A Journey Not A Destination!

For those that know me well they will know that I love mountains. I fell in love with them when I visited Colorado in early 2014 and then went on to climb three 14,000ft mountains, Mount Sherman, Mount Democrat and the Kelso Ridge. My dream is to climb Kilimanjaro by the time I am 45 so the 4 year countdown begins LOL.

What I love about climbing a mountain is simple, you start at the base of the mountain and your destination is the summit. The route to get to the summit is not always clear and it definitely is not easy but you know that if you dig deep enough physically and mentally you will get to your final destination. You are filled with a multitude of different emotions but the sense of achievement you feel as you walk back down the mountain and start thinking about all the things you have learnt about yourself on your journey up is euphoric and very cathartic.

I used to think that overcoming grief was as simple as going from point A to point B just like climbing a mountain. Granted the lessons you learn and the journey you go on are similar but low and behold climbing a mountain is a walk in the park compared to journeying through loss!

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I had convinced myself that going through the 7 stages of grief and arriving at the ’Acceptance‘ phase meant that I would be ok, that I would have finally reached my destination. I look back and laugh at these moments of naivety and view them now with a mixture of both embarrassment and sadness.

Embarrassment because I think to myself, how stupid must I have looked to all those around me as I tried to play this role of ‘I am fine, I am moving on with my life‘. Sadness because I came to a realisation that once you experience loss, whether that be through death, divorce or separation nothing will ever be the same again. One will hopefully accept the loss but a piece of you dies in these moments never to be seen again.

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I can only speak for myself but the truth is that it has taken me 4 years to accept that I will never be the same again. The good news is that with acceptance has come a feeling of freedom, as I now have the ability to take back control and decide what I want the rest of my journey through life to look like. Based on the lessons I have learnt already they are no longer materialistic destinations; they are now simple, I just want to feel peace in my soul, feel happiness in my spirit and love in my heart.

Accepting that the journey of how I get to my destination is continuous and cannot follow the simple rules of climbing a mountain or following a 7 stage process, has been and will be critical for my survival through what is now the new road of my life.

The lessons I have learnt and am continuing to learn about myself are helping me to put one foot in front of the other so that I can carry on walking forwards without looking backwards all the time.

I have learnt how to celebrate the good moments and manage my way through the tough times. I have learnt how to allow myself to cry, be angry, miss my once husband and best friend, be sad that he is unable to see first hand how incredible our son has become and to not feel guilty for feeling.

These moments are growth, they are lessons for the times ahead and victories of times that have past, they no longer feel like chains that have bound me but feel more like a bird that is sometimes flying and sometimes resting but a bird that is always free.

Stay blessed.

Ax